Judgement; The Call to Yes

"Now I think I know what you tried to say to me, and how you suffered for your sanity, and how you tried to set them free..."

This was week four in my study group covering Julia Cameron's sequel to The Artist's Way, It's Never Too late to Begin Again. Chapter four: Reigniting A Sense of Purpose.

I freaking hate that word, purpose.

We in this culture have had this concept of "finding our life's purpose" shoved down our throats for decades - as if it is something outside ourselves that we must figure out, some "God code" we must toil to decipher...and if we don't GET IT our life will have been wasted. Deliver me.

Begrudgingly I opened the chapter which begins with "Callings." Ah. Callings to me has an entirely different connotation than the word purpose. Purpose speaks of something missing, calling of something found. I have a calling, a creative spark, a joy, something to share.

After reading each section of the chapter and doing the exercises, or tasks, I am wrung out emotionally. I've said before that somehow Cameron has channeled some magic potion for extracting the stuck old patterns out of our cells and bringing them to the light of day, to consciousness, for healing. She didn't say it would be easy - or that we could remain the same; the ego must die so the soul can be resurrected. It's painful.

And so I meditate on these writings and draw a tarot card, because my life is an integrated process and I cannot separate out the seemingly disparate parts even when I do not glean the understanding of their connectedness. I draw Judgement and begin to cry. Yes.

I am so tired of judging and being judged; my soul is tired. But Rachel Pollack, in Seventy Eight Degrees of Wisdom, refers to Judgement as a CALL from deep inside. Yes.

"This call comes from both inside and outside us [...] as if the very cells of the body were filled with a shout of joy. At the same time we recognize that the call comes from some life force greater than any individual life." Yes.

She goes on to describe my life of late, saying that sometimes in life a person comes to a crossroads "where a decision is required on whether to make some great change. And sometimes, it can seem as if something within has already decided..." and the old ways of believing have died without ourselves even noticing. Yes.

"We call the card Judgement", she says, "because it involves coming to terms with past experience as a part of going beyond it."

It implies that the reality of life has changed, and the only choice is to follow. Yes.

Follow the call. Perhaps I'll listen now...